Photo by Sarah Johnson Photography from the Dead Good Legacies Modern Funerals Photo Shoot

There’s still a lot of superstition when it comes to talking about death, dying and funerals. As a society (certainly a Western society) we have lost that connection we once had with death, and it’s become something remote. Something to be hidden away until we are forced to confront it. Something taboo.

Or is it more complicated than that? Maybe, yes. A recent report published by Marie Curie on public attitudes to death and dying reported that 84% of people said they felt comfortable talking about their death, but when it came to actually having those conversations, the proportion dropped to just 14%. More people had stated a wish for either burial or cremation, but still only 40%.

That’s certainly borne out by my experience as a celebrant. When I visit families to help plan a funeral, I will always ask if the person who has died ever talked about what their wishes were. Sometimes they will have said they wanted to be cremated, but that’s usually where it ends.

So, what’s stopping people having those conversations?

Lots of us worry that even the slightest mention is tempting fate. But, like they say, talking about death won’t make it come knocking on your door any sooner. It won’t jinx you.

Far from it, in fact. Talking about death and dying can free you up to really live.

It also means that, when the time does come, the people who love you know what you want, both in terms of end of life care and also for your funeral. That is such a gift to give them. It makes things so, so much easier for the people you leave behind.

Photo by Elodie Giuge Brand Photographer

As a funeral celebrant, I am also trained to help people plan their own funerals in advance, to record their wishes and share them with their friends and family. Over the past six years I’ve supported quite a few people - not only those who knew their death was imminent, but also people who just wanted to get things organised and be prepared.

It is a huge show of trust, and one of the biggest privileges I’ve had as a celebrant. I wanted to share with you some of my experiences, and what I’ve learned - and continue to learn - from those people and their generosity. So here is the story of M, the first person who I helped to plan their funeral. The story has, of course, been anonymised.

M’s Story

Diagnosed with cancer some years earlier, M had recently been told that there was no more treatment to try. In his early forties, with a wife and three young children as well as his parents, who were still alive and now faced with the prospect of losing their only son, M had decided he wanted to start planning his funeral - and meet the person who would be leading it.

He also knew he wanted a non-religious celebration of life and so he started searching on the internet and found the Humanists UK Find A Celebrant Map and, through that, me. As it was still during the time of lockdowns, we arranged an initial meeting online for M, his wife and me. They asked me lots of questions about possibilities and practicalities and took away a list of things to think about and talk through with his parents and the kids. We agreed to be in touch in a fortnight or so, to arrange to meet up for a walk and talk in a local beauty spot.

In the meantime, M’s condition worsened and he was admitted to hospice care. I visited him there and, while he was visibly weaker and more unwell than he had been at our last meeting, his eyes sparkled as he talked about the peace that being there had given him.

He still wanted to plan his funeral with me and so, over the next couple of weeks, we met again - for short periods, when he felt well enough to talk and his head was clear enough to think. He talked to me with his wife and alone, when he talked with so much love about wanting to make things easier for her. I met his parents and saw how they were together. And I watched as his daughter curled up in his hospital bed with him so they could read books together.

We planned a celebration of life in the village hall where he had gone to playgroup as a child, followed by a burial in the local cemetery, in sight of the family home. He wanted an eco friendly coffin, he asked some of his friends to speak… but most of all, he wanted it to be an uplifting ceremony, filled with love and moments of happiness among the grief. And, on the day, that was exactly what it was. It was beautiful and memorable and everything M had hoped it would be.

But more than anything? It was a last gift to his family and friends. They knew they were doing what he wanted, which freed them up to just be together in his last days - without worry and without distractions. It was beautiful to witness.

And he even left a last video message, ending it with words I still quote sometimes in funeral services;

“Life’s hard enough already, we need to share the burden. And that goes for all of us. The more we can share, the more we can love, the better.”

So, please… have those conversations, however hard or daunting they might seem. Because it will be so, so worth it if you do. And, if you’d like a bit of support, look out for one of my funeral planning parties in 2026!

Planning a funeral - is it tempting fate?

M’s Story

Vive la funeral revolution!