Facing Father’s Day without your dad…
This Sunday will be the tenth Father’s Day I’ve marked without my dad, Bob, and it’s fair to say he’s been on my mind a lot this week. I think of Bob most days, but he’s been there sitting on my shoulder more often this week. I’ve seen jokes or bits of news that I immediately want to share with him, heard songs he loved - and then of course there are the inevitable marketing emails that, no matter how many you opt out of (and I am always so grateful to be able to do that) always seem to creep into your inbox.
I didn’t always remember Father’s Day or mark it (I am notoriously bad about sending cards for every occasion, to the extent that I have now just given up). I didn’t see my dad every year on Father’s Day (there are a lot of us!) . But I did know he was always there, living his best life in Abergavenny after a lifetime of looking after us all.
Some years Father’s Day passes without a pang, other years it feels unbearably hard.
Whether it’s your first year without your dad or whether it’s been many years, I am thinking of you and I hope the day isn’t too difficult for you. Here are a few tips that you might find helpful - and if there is anything that you have found useful, do share it in the comments!
Write him a letter
It’s hard to feel that you’ve got all these things you want to say, and nobody to say them to. But you can still talk to your dad even though he’s gone. There is clear evidence that writing a letter to someone who has died can be a really helpful and healing part of the grieving process, and it could work just as well on Father’s Day. Share all your news with your dad, how you’re feeling, what you’re doing, how much you miss him. You might feel sad that he’s not there - or angry. Tell him how you feel. Relax and let yourself get lost in the words if you can. And you can share the letter with someone close to you - or you can keep it to yourself. It’s totally up to you.
Spend the day doing something you enjoyed doing together
Music gave me a real connection with my dad. All my sisters and I remember him for his music, and how we would sing along together on car journeys. I remember him playing music while he cleaned the house as well, especially the kitchen floor for some reason. Later in life, when I was an adult, we enjoyed going to see live music together so that is how I try and mark Father’s Day - by playing the music we enjoyed together. For you it might be something different - walking, painting, being silly, gardening, cooking, reading, watching films. Whatever works for you and reminds you of time you spent together, and what gave him enjoyment in life.
Visit his favourite place
One year I went walking on The Bloringe, near where he lived. Getting to the top and looking out over that view was very emotional and I’m not ashamed to admit I sat down and had a good cry. But it was really, strangely calming too. I visited his old college, Wadham in Oxford, one year - he always spoke really warmly of his time there, and it helped to think of him as a young student. Being where someone you love had fond memories, or felt really happy or at home - that can help you feel close to them. Or perhaps there was somewhere your dad always wanted to visit? Maybe you could take a trip there in his memory…
Create a new tradition
If you’re missing your dad’s presence, and remembering Father’s Days gone by - the way things used to be - then why not start a whole new tradition? Doing something - it doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant - in your dad’s memory can be a great way to remember and honour him. My dad was a real foodie, so I decided the year after he died that I would always aim to cook something nice on Father’s Day. I often go for one of his specialities, a lamb and almond curry or broccoli in hoisin sauce.
Whatever works for you and helps you remember your dad can only be a positive thing.
Be kind to yourself and just… breathe
This is the bit that we (and I definitely include myself in this) forget more often than not. Father’s Day without your dad is difficult. No matter how long it is since he died. If you don’t feel up to doing anything special, if it all feels too raw - do you know what? That is absolutely okay. Grieving is hard. It’s exhausting. And sometimes it’s too much. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to rest and regroup if you need to, to take time out.
Tomorrow is always another day.
